Tips for dealing with family Holidays
As the holiday season is quickly approaching a common topic I discuss with my online therapy clients is how to handle stressful family gatherings. Here are some tips and tricks that have worked well for my clients.
1. Limit emotionally charged conversations.
You do not have to talk about politics, religion, relationships, or other touchy topics during the holidays. As a full-grown or nearly full-grown adult you get to choose what conversations you will be a part of. That can happen with either a verbal boundary or if necessary, a physical boundary by removing yourself from the conversation. Here are just a couple of options for setting a verbal boundary.
“I am not willing to discuss that.”
“I would love to spend time with you, but I need to be clear that I am not willing to talk about…”
“I am so grateful we can all get together, I want to make this a fun experience for everyone, I am not willing to discuss…”
“It is okay that we have different opinions, diversity is good, but it would be best if we focus on things we can agree on today.”
“I am not going to discuss my thoughts or opinions about…”
2. Try to find the golden nugget.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed during family events and our brains tend to only recall the bad things. Seek out the small moment of good or meaningful connection during the event. Try to find the tiny gold nugget even if you are sifting through a lot of mud. Play a game with yourself and tally up all the cute or kind moments you witness.
3. Prep before the family event.
Figure out if there are ways to increase your comfort during the event. That might mean wearing your most comfy clothing or having pictures of your most recent art project to pull out when it’s time to change the subject. Prep yourself with some ideas of how you can create healthier and happier connections with people. Use positive self-talk and try to be optimistic about the event. Going grumpy is never helpful and your priming yourself to only notice the negatives. It might even help to get your partner involved with the positive prep talk. Sometimes our supportive partners might be too quick to jump on our side when we really need someone to challenge us. Don’t let the anticipation of the bad set you up for failure.
4. Follow up the event with reflecting on the good.
Remember all the small things that weren’t that bad or maybe even went well. Notice the times when someone was respectful of a boundary you set. Consider that everyone, even if it might not seem like it, is doing the best they can. Evaluate how you can respond or behave differently next time that might create a healthier and happier environment.
5. If the situation feels unhealthy or unsafe choose not to go.
You get to decide how much or how little you are willing to deal with in any relationship. Consider the long term and short term consequences and decide what is best for you.
If you feel unable to tackle family holidays alone find a online mental health therapist who specializes in boundary setting. We can work together from the comfort of your own home during a time that works for you. Online therapy is a great way to learn skills about boundary setting and also a safe space to process relationships. If you are ready to create healthier relationships reach out for your intake session.
